this one is a mess honestly

just some tired thoughts, museum visits, and gratitude

A little more personal than usual, but I needed to get it out…

Doubt is always in the back of my mind. Lately though, I’ve been wondering what happens if you do everything right and it still doesn’t work. I’ve followed the script as closely as I can: I went to school for art and museums; I’ve had amazing internships and experiences; I’ve built connections and tried to hold onto the optimism that if I just keep building, someone will eventually notice. Sometimes I can’t shake the thought that maybe it’s just not for me. I don’t want to believe that because I am good at this, but I also know effort isn’t always enough. Everyone in this field is struggling. Luck and timing matter more than we want to admit, but when you care this much, every rejection starts to feel like a reflection of who you are, not just what you do.

Lately, I’ve felt like a bad worker, a bad friend, a bad person…like I complain too much, but I’m falling behind in every direction so it’s hard not too. My confidence has been a roller coaster, and so has my sense of security: financially, emotionally, relationally. I’ve always worried I’m too much, or that people don’t really like me, but after so many rejections I can’t help but wonder if those fears are true. There’s a heaviness that comes from constantly measuring your progress against your potential.

In the middle of all this, I’ve been met with so much kindness. After my last post (and honestly, throughout this whole journey of trying to make the arts work for me), people who’ve mentored or taught me have checked in, reminding me that my work matters. Friends from home have reached out saying they’re proud of me and supporting me however they can. I hold onto that more than they probably realize. I grew up in an atmosphere where I got no form of encouragement, so when I receive it from loved ones it feels like my heart is glowing… so thank you.

I think what I’m most afraid of is the possibility that there’s no big payoff coming…that the “dream career” I’ve been chasing doesn’t exist the way I imagined it. What if this is it? What if it never gets easier? What if this in-between place of hustling, waiting, exhaustion is just what a creative life looks like?

I don’t have a neat ending for this. I just needed to say it out loud in case anyone cares or is feeling the same. I’m tired and I’m worried. I still care and I haven’t given up. I’m not sure I believe anymore that it will all work out the way I want, but I’m stubborn enough to keep showing up even when I’m not sure why.

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Lately / Gratitude

In between the doubt, I persist!!! Lately I have…

• Line danced and taught my classes at the museum….honestly the highlights of my year up to this point.

• wandered through the new Monet and Venice show at the Brooklyn Museum. HIGHLY recommend.

• watched the Korean chrysanthemums bloom at the Central Park Conservatory Garden. I have been waiting for this ever since the garden reopened this summer.

• celebrated Día de los Muertos with Calpulli Mexican Dance Company, surrounded by people remembering and celebrating others with joy.

• spent a night with the newly rebranded Philadelphia Art Museum, hearing about their upcoming exhibition titled Dreamworld: Surrealism at 100

• explored the newly expanded galleries at the Jewish Museum! I loved the new learning center best of course :)

• stood in front of many Robert Rauschenberg’s work during his centennial year: at both the Guggenheim and the Museum of the City of New York.

• visited The Met as a guest (which I often do), to see John Wilson’s work and the Casa Susanna exhibition. These are two very different stories, both about representation, dignity, and being seen. I loved them and highly suggest you go see them both (they are both on the 2nd floor!!)

Seeing, making, and teaching art still feels like the most consistent part of me…the one thing that makes sense even when nothing else does. Being in those spaces reminds me that persistence can take any form. Some artists waited decades to be seen, some created even when no one was watching. I think about that a lot lately.

And because I promised myself I’d end today with gratitude since I complained so much, here’s my small but honest list:

1. The health of my eyes and teeth, which I’ve struggled with so much in the past.

2. The health of my body, despite me not always taking the best care of it.

3. The ability to dance and the community it’s given me throughout my entire life.

4. Animals in general, but especially all the dogs I see around the city. They genuinely brighten my day…always.

5. Friends and loved ones (especially those who understand me on a deep level, who’ve seen me through so many phases and still like me. The ones who always answer my phone calls because they know I love and need to chat.)

6. The ability to learn and see as much art as I do.

7. This city that pushes me, even when I don’t always feel grateful for that.

8. The resources I have to feed and take care of myself.

9. The opportunity to heal my inner child and learn from the young people around me…while hoping to teach them a little bit, too.

10. The sun and the moon and walking outside.

What are you grateful for? What art have you seen lately? Let me know…I’d really love to hear.

even if no one else likes me, at least the little girl in one of my classes does. and that might just be enough at times.